whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
