Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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