shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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