I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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