eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
This house was built for laser tag.
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he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
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I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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