i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just took my morning after pill in the library
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
