I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I have tasted many bathrooms
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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