I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
