Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
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