Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
