You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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