found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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