very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive