Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
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You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
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Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
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Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.