8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?