I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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