I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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