there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
