the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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