why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
