he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
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