Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
