I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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