I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
