also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
