drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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