census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
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How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
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He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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