I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
