I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
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The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
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I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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