I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
