I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
