Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
