Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You pole danced in your parka.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.