you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha