I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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