A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
