So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
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