Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
