I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
