Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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