Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
