Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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