So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
