i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
