They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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