I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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