you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
and i looked up. we had an audience...
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Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
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I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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