Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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