it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
