SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
