dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
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