I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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