I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Hippo gnu deer
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
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