I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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