On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
