I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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