my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
