I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
The cops high fived after they tackled you
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
