He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
