Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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