that's an acceptable place to lick
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
