I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Less talking, more tequila
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
