I just threw up on my dentist
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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