WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
